1
00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:06,140
(Max)
Ah, it's like I'm back
in my mother's womb.

2
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:15,116
Only, there's food here.

3
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,785
(Caroline)
Ugh, those e-cigs
are so stupid.

4
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,188
I mean, smoking real cigarettes
kills you,

5
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:24,158
but smoking fake ones
makes me want to kill you.

6
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:27,195
They're not smoking.
They're vaping.

7
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,668
(Max)
Uh-oh.
He just passed it to her.

8
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:32,400
Someone's getting date vaped.

9
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,469
I just figured out
the new phones.

10
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,272
Now I've got to figure out
how to smoke?

11
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,146
If I wanted to learn
everything all over again,

12
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:44,712
I would have had a stroke.

13
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:48,149
(Max)
Hey guys, sorry, but you're not
allowed to do that in here.

14
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:50,618
And I'm not talking about
your outfits.

15
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,287
I'll get to those
when I bring the check.

16
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,156
Relax, it's not a cigarette.

17
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,357
It has a battery.

18
00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:00,561
Yeah, so does my vibrator,
but...

19
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,431
Can't use that in here either.

20
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,498
[Bell dinging]

21
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:08,236
I didn't approve that rule.

22
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,338
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

23
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,872
[cash register bell dings]

24
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,509
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

25
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:25,186
well, I think we ordered
too many of our cupcake tees.

26
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,221
There are more
unworn shirts here

27
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:31,225
than in Matthew macconaughey's
closet.

28
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:34,562
Hey, girls.

29
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,330
Look at me.

30
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:41,335
I got my Sunday bra on
'cause I just came from church.

31
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,604
Was it my church?

32
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,507
The church of latter-day sluts?

33
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:49,710
Oleg and I are looking
for one to get married in.

34
00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:51,745
And it's got to have
a wheelchair ramp

35
00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:57,218
'cause I've got a lot of cousins
who were born without leg bones.

36
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,520
I'm so excited for you, Sophie.

37
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,523
You deserve all the happiness
in the world.

38
00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:05,726
I mean, so do I, but that's
obviously not happening.

39
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:09,397
Are you done with
your pity-party?

40
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,232
'Cause I got to speak to Max.

41
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:15,403
Max, do you want to be
my maid of honor?

42
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:20,908
I would rather be
eaten alive by a rabbit.

43
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:26,380
Which would take a long time
and be a lot less embarrassing.

44
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,524
And Sophie,
you don't really want me

45
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,649
to be your maid of honor.

46
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:32,253
That's right.
I don't.

47
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,822
So why are we even
talking about it?

48
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,891
Sophie, as honored as I am
that you asked,

49
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:41,529
it's just not really my thing,
you know, man?

50
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,797
Is this really not your thing?

51
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,899
It's nobody's thing.

52
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,568
You just do it
'cause you're supposed to,

53
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:51,905
like bleaching your teeth
or your anus.

54
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,247
Thank god I'm off the list,

55
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:03,517
'cause that bridesmaid spa day
is gonna be rough.

56
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,420
Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
i was a maid of honor

57
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:10,291
in fifth grade when my mom
married her cult leader.

58
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,568
And then she was
my maid of honor

59
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,495
when I married him a week later.

60
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,365
So I'm kind of maid-of-honored
out.

61
00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:19,800
Maybe I'll get one of my old
sorority sisters

62
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,602
to be my bridesmaid.

63
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,305
I'm gonna go home and find out

64
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:29,677
which one is still thin enough
to fly commercial.

65
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,380
All right, where are we gonna
store all these shirts?

66
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,747
It's already too crowded in here

67
00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:36,984
with all the cupcakes, shame,
and failure.

68
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,420
We'll sell some of these
at the cupcake window,

69
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:40,788
20 of these are already going

70
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,556
to that fancy boutique
in Manhattan,

71
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,625
and the rest,
maybe we'll get lucky

72
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,961
and find a gay
little league team.

73
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:49,497
Oh, I know!

74
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,732
Let's get drunk.

75
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,667
That's your solution
to everything.

76
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,035
Seriously.

77
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,480
We need to just take some
to that new bar

78
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:59,540
where idiots pay $20
for a drink.

79
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,544
Drunk and stupid,
that's our target audience.

80
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:07,448
And also, the special skills
I've listed on my resume.

81
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,883
So you're saying we're gonna
stoop so low

82
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:14,555
as to sell t-shirts
out of a duffle bag in a bar?

83
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,889
Yeah, we're there.

84
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,299
How much do you think this pays?

85
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,467
'Cause I can do that.

86
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:27,635
Yes, you can.

87
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:31,038
All you need is a stepladder
and boobs.

88
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,341
Feel like the Star Trek:
Next generation bar.

89
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:36,844
Keep your eyes peeled for
whoopi goldberg in a crazy hat.

90
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,380
I can't believe I'm selling
t-shirts out of a duffle bag

91
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,781
in the future, too.

92
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:44,017
Yeah. I fully support mixing
business and pleasure.

93
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:48,322
Best sex I ever had was
with my boss at a panera bread.

94
00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:50,066
I thought you said
the best sex you ever had

95
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,460
was with a dude
with six fingers.

96
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:53,927
Same guy.

97
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:57,931
Man, could he make
a sandwich crazy fast.

98
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,401
Hi. Want to buy a cool tee
for your girlfriend?

99
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,436
Let me see if my girlfriend
wants a tee.

100
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,806
You want a tee, honey?

101
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:06,807
(Max)
Hey! Hey!

102
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:07,941
Not so fast.

103
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,710
They say "cream filled"
on the back.

104
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:13,113
Huh, boys?
Anything?

105
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:17,585
Wow, gays aren't fun
in the future.

106
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,587
Hey.

107
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:22,823
Jesus comes back in the future.

108
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,425
So what's in the bag?

109
00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:27,828
I've never met a girl at a bar
with actual baggage.

110
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:32,833
That's funny because you mean
like emotional.

111
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,435
You're really beautiful.

112
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:38,906
Mmm. You weren't nearly
this hot in the book.

113
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,574
So can I get you ladies a drink?

114
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:44,578
Sure, you could jut change
this water into wine.

115
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:49,450
Can you, like, do this for me,
just, like, once?

116
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,451
Drinks on me.

117
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,621
Oh, lucky them.

118
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:56,056
I haven't heard I'm beautiful
from a non-homeless person

119
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,991
in months.

120
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:01,028
Well, with that hair,
the jury's still out.

121
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,531
Hey, can I kiss you?

122
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,633
I suppose a peck wouldn't...

123
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:12,105
Say what?

124
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,810
- I'm James.
- I'm wet.

125
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:21,849
Because my arm was sitting
in water on the bar.

126
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,451
That was so hot, Max.

127
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:25,953
I have, like, this animal
attraction to him.

128
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:29,089
What animal?
The horny nerd?

129
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:31,559
Look, I'll leave.
You stay and do your thing.

130
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,661
- But we came together.
- Yeah, I know you guys did.

131
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,597
It happened, like,
the second he kissed you.

132
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,466
I don't do this.
I just met him.

133
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,567
Look, Caroline.

134
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,734
I haven't read the Bible.

135
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:43,103
But I know that when Jesus
returns,

136
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,674
you must follow him
back to his apartment.

137
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,108
Let go...

138
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,710
Let god...

139
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:50,743
Get to third base.

140
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,220
Max, where's Caroline?

141
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,789
I haven't seen her all day.

142
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:03,223
But I'm guessing
she's in heaven.

143
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,692
[Footsteps approaching]

144
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:05,793
I'm here, I'm here.

145
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,929
Nope, she's in hell.

146
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:13,033
Walk of shame, party of one.

147
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,568
Girl.

148
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:17,938
Gir-irl!

149
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,707
Tell me everything
that happened.

150
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,108
Leave out no details.

151
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,844
It was insane.
I mean, like, so hot.

152
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,213
Like the Caribbean
or our shower that one time.

153
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:29,216
[Screaming]

154
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,184
What are you two celebrating?

155
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,087
I know it isn't a job well done.

156
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,925
We are celebrating the release

157
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,227
of the new star wars:
Episode vii trailer online.

158
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,129
Seriously?
[Giddy laughter]

159
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,537
Max, we did everything.

160
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:50,704
We...

161
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,139
Oleg, can you give us
some privacy?

162
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,273
What?

163
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,608
I can't be in the ladies' room.

164
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,009
I can't be in the kitchen.

165
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:03,784
So did you...

166
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,085
No.

167
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,755
Well, did you...

168
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:10,157
No!

169
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:12,225
Well, did you at least...

170
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:15,195
Oh, god, no!

171
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:16,196
Well, what did you do?

172
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:20,000
Water a plant together?

173
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,636
We had sex.

174
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,037
Last night and today.

175
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,806
That's a big thing for me.

176
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:29,610
And, yes, it was.

177
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:32,680
Yes. That was obvious
in the bar.

178
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:35,783
Skinny jeans are just
boner x-rays.

179
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,219
Oh, no.
Oh, no.

180
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,055
What, rat in the slaw again?

181
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,056
My rings.

182
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,892
I left them at his place.

183
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:45,893
I have to get them back.

184
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,695
They're half my belongings.

185
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:51,098
So just text him and say,
"yo, I left my rings,

186
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:55,068
nice wiener," "100" emoji, send.

187
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,771
Max, I can't text a guy first.

188
00:08:57,805 --> 00:09:01,875
It's bad enough I have a groupon
for intimacy oil.

189
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:06,113
Look, worst-case scenario,
the mcrib is gone for good.

190
00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,884
Second worst-case scenario,
we can always implement

191
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:11,919
the two-week rule.

192
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,587
The two-week rule?

193
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,164
Wait, isn't that how long
you have to eat pad thai

194
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,190
before it becomes bad thai?

195
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,660
No, you really have
to read my book.

196
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,862
It means if he doesn't text
for two weeks,

197
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:26,667
you can break in
and get your stuff.

198
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:29,269
All that fancy school
and you didn't learn nothing.

199
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:37,077
Two weeks and nothing.

200
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,346
I really thought he'd text.

201
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:43,884
I also thought grown ups 2
should have won the Oscar.

202
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,053
Still got it.

203
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,087
Come on.

204
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,822
[Grunts]

205
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:51,659
Wait, before I lose
the rest of my self-esteem...

206
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:55,295
Tell that to the wall
you're currently straddling.

207
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,831
Let me just check my phone
one more time to see if he...

208
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,032
Nope.

209
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:03,637
Self-esteem gone.

210
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,072
I'm afraid to jump.

211
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,339
Jump, whore, jump!

212
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:10,978
I sound like my mom
teaching me how to swim.

213
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,713
[Grunting]

214
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,381
I did it.
I did it.

215
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,649
That was, like, two feet.

216
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:18,051
I've snorted lines longer.

217
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:20,253
All right.

218
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,122
Just another Tuesday.

219
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:25,793
Going all bling ring
in Jesus' backyard.

220
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,728
There.
That's his bedroom window.

221
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,998
I know 'cause we had to close
it, since I'm kind of loud.

222
00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,066
Oh, what are you like
during sex?

223
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:36,837
What do I do if he's home?

224
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,081
Do you want me to kill him fast,

225
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:39,707
or do you want him to suffer?

226
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,417
And by that, I mean,
do you want me to hold him

227
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:44,111
while you ask him
why he didn't call?

228
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,813
He's not home.

229
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,748
According to this instagram,
he's at chipotle

230
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,383
talking to a guy with a parrot
on his shoulder.

231
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,652
He had no time to pop off
a text to me.

232
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:59,359
Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit
my boobs through there.

233
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,829
I can barely fit them
through the Holland tunnel.

234
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,764
Fine.
I'm going in.

235
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,433
Finally, having no boobs
pays off.

236
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:07,467
Lift my legs up.

237
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,936
Okay, but your legs in the air

238
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:13,774
kind of got you here
to begin with.

239
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:16,043
- Uh-oh.
- What oh?

240
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,779
I don't remember him
having a floral duvet.

241
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:19,913
Or a bedside toilet.

242
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,049
[Barking]

243
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:23,316
[Growling]

244
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,352
Or a dog.
Pull me out! Pull me out!

245
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,787
You've got to read my book.

246
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,122
I have a whole chapter
on pulling out.

247
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,457
[Whimpering]

248
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,193
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, stop licking me.

249
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,062
(Woman)
Buster? Buster?

250
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,329
Someone's coming.

251
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,198
Someone's coming
or getting licked?

252
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,934
Maybe you are
in the right apartment.

253
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,469
[Screaming]

254
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:45,505
Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!

255
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,841
No, no.
This is a big mistake.

256
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,143
Ben, call the cops!

257
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:54,882
We got another crack addict
here!

258
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,885
We don't have crack here!

259
00:11:57,918 --> 00:12:03,156
We don't have crack here!
And tell your friends!

260
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,258
[Police sirens blaring]

261
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,972
If these match the prints found
at an arby's break-in in '07,

262
00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:22,175
it's purely coincidental.

263
00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:23,777
I can't believe
this is happening to me.

264
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,345
My life is over.

265
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,413
Look at the camera.

266
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,551
I'm so humiliated.

267
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:35,488
And turn to the side.

268
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:40,861
Ma'am, this isn't
"vogue: Behind bars."

269
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:44,064
Sorry, officer, she's a virgin.

270
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,099
Me, myself, spent some time
in the juvie system

271
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,500
up in Providence.

272
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,236
You know a family court judge
named Shelly?

273
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,371
No.
Go.

274
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,441
Oh! Officer, hold.

275
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:03,283
Thanks, but stay away during
the full-body cavity search.

276
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,284
Proceed.

277
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:05,352
You think?

278
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:12,125
So you girls broke into
an old lady's house,

279
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:17,164
got halfway through the window,
and stole absolutely nothing.

280
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,166
Glad I am protecting
the city from you.

281
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:22,870
I mean, Isis who, right?

282
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:25,272
All right.
Let's go.

283
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,208
If he had just texted me,
none of this would be happening.

284
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,877
I wouldn't be in prison,
I'd be home.

285
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,578
My other prison.

286
00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:34,347
Uh, wait, if who had texted you?

287
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,950
Thanks for asking.

288
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,585
This guy I slept with
didn't text me

289
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,888
for two weeks after we had sex,
and I left my rings

290
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:41,922
at his place, so i...

291
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:46,593
You did the two-week rule?

292
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,195
Yeah.

293
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,306
But she got the wrong apartment
because, knowing her,

294
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,066
her eyes were closed
the whole time.

295
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,935
Well, why didn't you say so?

296
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:59,006
We got a two-week rule
over here!

297
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,908
Stay right over here.

298
00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,442
We'll get you out soon.

299
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,012
I left my Billy club
at the captain's house.

300
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:09,082
He's got three more days.

301
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:10,183
See? See?

302
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:11,418
It's gonna be fine.

303
00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,053
We'll just chill here
for an hour.

304
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,323
It's like an edgier
lens crafters.

305
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,591
What am I gonna tell my father?

306
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,028
A prisoned prison call?

307
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,129
I can't be here.

308
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,897
I can't be here!

309
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,298
No! No! Come back!
We were good!

310
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:28,301
[Alarm buzzing loudly]

311
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,170
Dumb move.

312
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:34,141
Dumber than me and the captain.

313
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:38,045
Let me guess, our glasses
won't be ready in an hour.

314
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:50,090
I can't believe you got us
arrested in jail.

315
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,091
Where are we going?

316
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,994
I mean, besides nowhere in life.

317
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:56,329
You girls lost your
get-out-of-jail-free card.

318
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:58,398
You're gonna have to get someone
to bail you out.

319
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,533
You're going
in the holding cell.

320
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:04,137
Yo! Fresh meat!

321
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,507
Sorry, I have a reputation
to uphold.

322
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,114
[Caroline whimpers]

323
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:15,282
Max, I'm scared.

324
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:17,017
I got this.

325
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,619
Yo! She's already my bitch!

326
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:23,690
So she can't be anyone else's.
Sorry.

327
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:26,159
Hold my belt.

328
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:29,162
- What?
- Do it!

329
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:31,298
(Max)
'Sup, 'sup?

330
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,967
Cool, cool.

331
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,436
50 women, 1 toilet?

332
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:40,673
It's like backstage at the view.

333
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,043
Max, I can't handle this.

334
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,311
I can't handle this.

335
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:47,047
I couldn't even watch
the green mile.

336
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,282
Relax.
This is play-jail.

337
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:50,659
It's not like we're doing
real time.

338
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,385
Just put on your game face.

339
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,721
I don't have a game face.

340
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:57,390
Unless the game is
"i give up, my life is over,"

341
00:15:57,424 --> 00:16:00,460
then this will do.

342
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,663
Well, do something, because
that's about to get wiped off

343
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,598
your face by the bruiser
covered in tattoos

344
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,368
making her way to us right now.

345
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,769
Hey!

346
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:13,540
You guys signing up
for the talent show?

347
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,275
Excuse me?

348
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:18,211
Yeah. Some of us have been
in here for days,

349
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:19,512
due to prison overcrowding.

350
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:22,349
So the guards let us
put on a show.

351
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:25,485
As long as nobody dies.

352
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,088
Wow, prison has changed.

353
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,798
Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell
idea of prison,

354
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,025
but, uh, what happened to
shanking a snitch

355
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,426
in the food line?

356
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:36,496
Oh, a talent show,
that's not scary at all.

357
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,099
You know,
i won my yacht club talent show

358
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:42,035
three years in a row,
in the 10 to 13 division.

359
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,403
That's crazy!

360
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:47,307
I'm looking at 10 to 13
for Grand Theft Auto.

361
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,308
Where are my manners?

362
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,809
I'm tanaya.

363
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,411
I'm Max.
This is Caroline.

364
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:54,247
But you can call us
by our gang names,

365
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:59,219
white lightning and the blade.

366
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,821
Sophie, I need you to bail
me and Caroline out jail.

367
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,523
We got charged with
breaking and entering,

368
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,692
which is also what Caroline
let a guy do to her,

369
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,595
and that's why we're here.

370
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,830
Oh, jeez, Max.

371
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,600
I mean, that's a tough call.

372
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:18,105
I mean, I don't know if I can.

373
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,576
Yeah, it's really not my thing.

374
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:28,281
You know, man?

375
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,483
I get it.
I deserved that.

376
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,586
I said no to you,
so you're saying no to me.

377
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:38,191
Like the old saying,
"tit for bigger tat."

378
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,826
Yeah.
Hmm.

379
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,095
All right, let's see.

380
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:46,866
Uh, I would bail
my maid of honor out of jail.

381
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,468
Fine. Fine.

382
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:50,137
I'll be your maid of honor.

383
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,472
I'll buy you penis straws,
and those glasses

384
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,341
where the nose is a penis.

385
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:57,210
Yeah! And the penis-shaped
pasta?

386
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,712
I'll do it all.

387
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:03,216
I can handle the slammer, but
Caroline doesn't stand a chance.

388
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:04,451
I saw a woman looking at her

389
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:07,854
like she was
a cartoon pork chop.

390
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,357
Okay.
Well, I'll see you soon.

391
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,558
And watch your back.

392
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,293
Oh, you know what?

393
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:16,596
It's a ladies' prison,
so watch your front.

394
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,605
Is this your card?

395
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:26,773
No.

396
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:27,774
Yes!

397
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:28,875
Yes, that's my card.

398
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,744
Amazing.

399
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,880
Okay.
What'd I miss?

400
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:36,616
The magic show
and the improv troupe.

401
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:37,617
They asked the audience
for a word.

402
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,220
I said, "help."

403
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:42,222
Sophie's coming down
with bail money,

404
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,856
as soon as her Turkey is out
of the oven.

405
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:47,494
So 4, 4 1/2 hours,
depending on the stuffing.

406
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:48,895
Thank god.

407
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,797
Wait.
Bail for both of us, right?

408
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,465
That wasn't her original offer.

409
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,502
But after some negotiating,
we got there.

410
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:57,170
What did you have to do to...

411
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,538
Max, you didn't agree to...

412
00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,906
Yup.

413
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:03,410
Picture me in something
low-cut and peach.

414
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:06,213
A slutty peach.

415
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:07,514
You'd do that for me?

416
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,582
I'm touched and shocked.

417
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,394
I thought you'd have forgotten
me, had sex with the door guard,

418
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:14,321
and been halfway across
the parking lot by now.

419
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:17,557
Yeah, well,
he wasn't into me, so...

420
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:27,734
Walk of shame, party of two.

421
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,469
Girls, I heard
you got locked up.

422
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,305
Yup. We have to do 30 hours
of community service.

423
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,441
And Caroline won six minutes
of privacy on the toilet

424
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,675
in the talent show.

425
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,644
Well, not so private.

426
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,946
I had to tinkle while a woman
in work boots

427
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,415
made heavy eye-contact.

428
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,818
I went to prison once
for being at the wrong place

429
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:46,819
at the wrong time.

430
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,489
Meaning, I was down south.

431
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,262
Look who's back
from the big house.

432
00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:57,764
Every house is a big house
for you, han.

433
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,666
Watch your step, ex-con,

434
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:04,971
or I'll get the to haul you back
in for impersonating a waitress.

435
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,408
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I missed this place.

436
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,977
When I was up in the pen, doing
time with my girl, tanaya...

437
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:14,881
Well, orange you the new black?

438
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:17,817
So did you two have fun
in ladies' prison?

439
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,919
And tell me, is it anything
like the 17 xxx movies

440
00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,755
I have with that title?

441
00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:25,692
Okay, so I lost two
of my best rings.

442
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,660
So I'm out $11.

443
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,796
I realized I'm tougher
than I thought.

444
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,031
I sang in prison.
I had a one-night stand.

445
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,335
I'm practically Johnny cash.

446
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:38,805
Well, Johnny no cash.

447
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,541
[Cash register bell dings]